FROM THE VALLEY: I meant what I didn't say

Tom Valley

My daughter, Melissa, lives less than five minutes away. I texted her the other day regarding a meal I was preparing, and wondered whether she and my grandchildren, Dom and Maddie, would like to come over and eat – or, perhaps, wanted to swing by and pick some up to take home. I was surprised how she reacted. She seemed repulsed by my offer. Am I that bad a cook?

I finally figured it out. The next time I half-type, half-speak a text to someone, it would be a good idea to check it out before sending it. "Baked ziti with cheese sauce" is much more appetizing than "baked zits with sneeze sauce." Yeah, you're welcome for that right-out-of-the-gate cringe.

Figuring I probably wasn't the only person who has ever done something stupid like that, I checked and found these (assumed to be true because, for gosh sakes, they were on the internet) similar examples of neglected look-before-you-leap messages. The first one is from a mother to her son.

• • •

Mother: “Your great aunt just passed away. LOL.”

Son: “Why is that funny?”

Mother: “It's not funny, David. Why are you saying that?”

Son: “Mom, LOL means 'laugh out loud'.”

Mother: “Oh my gosh, I sent it to everyone. I thought it meant 'lots of love.' I've got to text everyone back.”

• • •

Here's an exchange involving someone correcting another person's spelling. And I suspect, as evidenced by the conversation, they weren't best of friends, or in the lingo of the trade, BFFs.

(For edification purposes, I disguised some offensive words in the original texts by the widely-accepted practice of using asterisks as letters. Why? Because I wouldn't want you to read such vulgarity. And, thus, I'll save my editor and myself from hearing from you about your violated sensibilities in a letter or email and how, because of it, you will never read From The Valley again, you'll cancel your subscription, start running with scissors and go swimming less than an hour after eating. I'm joshing. Thanks for reading.)

And without further ado ...

Comment: “Your such a b****”

Reply: “You're.”

Comment: “OMG your so annoying.”

Reply: “You're.”

Comment: “Stop doing that! Your p****** me off.”

Reply: “You're.”

Comment: “Fine. I'm gonna kick you're a**.”

Reply: “Your.”

Testy, huh?! And as I said, editing maneuvers were undertaken, lest I come out and say words like “bitch,” “ass,” and “pee-peeing" (close enough) and shock you into a coma.

By the way, no problem. "Your" worth it.

• • •

Another person with the grammar police:

Pal 1: “Dude, me and Nick are going to the Giants game. Box seats. Wanna go?”

Pal 2: “Nick and I ...”

Pal 1: “What??”

Pal 2: “It's Nick and I. Me and Nick is not proper grammar, dude.”

Pal 1: “You are right!! It's Nick and I because you are no longer invited.”

I'm thinking Pal 2 might now be better described as ex-Pal 2.

• • •

Next: Auto-correct spelling and/or pure stupidity: (Joined in progress.)

Person A: “What are you talking about? Can you use the word in a sentence?"

Person B: “You know: Like 'give them an all tomato'.''

Person A: “I think the word you want is 'ultimatum'.”

Person B: “Smart a**.”

• • •


She: “I'm stopping at the butcher shop. Any particular cut of meat you want?”

He: “Flaming yawns if not too expensive.”

She: “What?”

He: “Flaming yawns? Can't you read?”

It took me a minute to catch up to that one. I'll trust you to figure it out on your own. Just say it out loud several times, it'll come to you.

And by the way, just this week I texted my wife to pick up some "farmer John cheese" while she was at the store.

You got it: Parmesan cheese. I needed it for my baked zits.

And that's the way it looks from the Valley.

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