Published: August 01, 2006 07:44 am      

RELATIONSHIPS: The marriage merge

Newlyweds may struggle to combine lives, belongings.

When two become one, newlyweds might have to deal with more than just thank-you cards and a honeymoon sunburn.

Nearly 5 million Americans cross the threshold into newlywedded bliss each year, creating a new industry called “the marriage or mating merge.”

It’s mine, yours and ours when couples either exchange formal vows in a church or simply agree to become room- or housemates.

Magazines such as Merge and The Knot and Web sites such as thenest.com are devoted to successful amalgamation of what couples have collected through their lives. Whether they’re emerging from parental nests or empty nesters scaling down, their considerations are weighty.

What, for example, does one do with two homes, two cars, two accumulations of memorabilia, two sets of furniture and two sets of electronics?

Do you decorate room by room, merging different tastes? Do you consider how you will entertain? Informally? Gourmets in training? Accomplished hosts?

Merging households can be the first serious hurdle you face as mates and you want to do it right.

Edward E. Linnane and Karen M. Fowle were married May 20 at the gazebo in the village of Lewiston. Today, the Linnanes are still working on getting it right and loving the process.

“I was married 32 years to my first wife,” Edward said from the newlyweds’ country-side home which evidences the best of belongings culled from the homes each occupied before buying this property. “After her death, I was thinking about buying some sort of book on the order of ‘Dating for Dummies.’

“I remembered my late wife telling me: ‘I know at some point, you’ll want to get married again, so remember I wish you the best.’ So I went on a blind date and it was love at first sight with Karen, and I mean that. The miracles have been flowing through the whole relationship, since I got down on my knees, gave her red roses and asked her to marry me.

“I’d never talked to a girl on the phone for four hours, but that’s what I did with Karen before we saw each other in person. It felt so natural. She wanted to bring friends with her on our first date, but I said, ‘Why? I don’t bite.’ Then I saw her and she saw me, and that’s all there was to it.”

Said Karen, in the process of working out their ideal kitchen — “a work in progress,” as she calls it: “I think you could safely say he’s on the irresistible side.”

A month after the set-up date, Edward dropped a strong hint he soon would formally propose.

“I asked her if she wanted to go window shopping, and she replied she guessed that would be OK. She stopped in front of a jewelry store and I asked her which ring she liked. She pointed to one and walked away. I told her to wait; that I wanted to put down $50. She said: ‘What are you, nuts?’ ”

As Karen recalls that afternoon: “I thought he was nuts, but it felt right. Two years later, we got married.”

“We had to wait and see that our boys (her son James, his son Joshua) would get along,” Edward said. “But there was no cause for worry there. That’s part of the miracle of our marriage. It’s scary how smooth it’s going. It’s a perfect fit — she wanted a Caribbean cruise for our honeymoon. Now, I’d never been on a cruise, but she said it was about time; that she’s determined to keep me young.”

Karen’s parents, Robert C. and Sallie Fowle, live in Porter. Edward’s parents, Jane A. and the late Bernard V. Linnane, are from Ridgeway. Karen wanted to live in Lewiston.

“I thought that would be impossible,” said Edward. “I’d always thought Lewiston was for the rich. Lo and behold, we found this house and land that were perfect — we could afford them. The property was out of the way in a peaceful quiet, place, yet near everything we needed ... Another part of the miracle.”

He and Karen agree it takes time for miracles to take hold.

“It can be hard,” said Karen of the household amalgamation that included offspring as well as household effects. “We had an adjustment period of two years that I would call interesting. We held a big rush sale and the boys participated. Even though my son is 18 and his is 26, they get along very well. If they hadn’t, we might not have been able to get married.”

A third son, Edward’s older boy Mark, maintains his own home, but helps the new couple with the yard.

“We’re a very close family,” Edward said. “People ask us how we manage to get along so well: Karen and I tell them it begins when they’re babies. You can’t wait until they’re 14 or 15 and think you can make a difference in their lives. It’s especially hard when both parents work. We work as a team.”

The Linnanes’ formula for a bridal barnburner is keep the best of both households, consign the rest to the garage sale.

“Basically,” said Edward, “I supplied the practical stuff like pots and pans and Karen brought in the decorative stuff, like things to go on the walls when we finish painting, needlepoint I guess you call it. My favorite piece was done by my best friend’s wife — it has the date and place of our marriage and Karen’s maiden name. Whoever had the best, the newest, that’s what we kept.”

The teenagers applied much the same script, merging their television sets, videos and recorders, plus posters and other memorabilia.

“I think age has something to do with a successful melding of households,” Karen said. “Ed and I are not 20-something or 30-something, and the boys are not babes in the woods. All of us have learned you have to be able to sit down and talk, to communicate with each other, to trust each other.”

Ed agrees.

“The magic words are communicate and compromise,” he said. “Apply them and you just might feel like you’re living an episode of ‘Touched By an Angel.’ ”