Niagara Gazette — Dear Mainland Tricksters — OK, so where were you? We did everything but put up a neon sign flashing “Candy Here,” and still you didn’t come to our door to say “trick or treat.” Were the life-size statues of us on the porch just too scary?
We left the light on for you, you never came, and now we’ve got 16 leftover candy bars in a bowl by the front door. What to do? We never eat candy.
This was our first at-home Hallowe’en in years. Usually we join grandchildren out of town, Doug one year limping out as Clark’s Civil War prisoner, but now they’d rather go with people their own age. We stayed home to play host, stocked up in the afternoon, and now we’re stuck with 14 candy bars.
As we were heading home about 3 p.m., we saw a couple of costumed girls trudging through the leaves, probably walking home from school, and thought about driving by them and offering them a couple from the bag we had in the car. It’s the only day you can get away with that. Now we wish we had. We wouldn’t have 12 candy bars left.
Then there was that woman pulling that wagon with the two little girls, for whom we raised the garage door, hollering “Hey, we’re ready,” and she rushed on as if she were late for work, saying “We’ll be right back,” but they never were, and now we’re stuck with 10 candy bars.
While we have kids in the general area, our block was largely dark except for us. The pretty Princesses next door go to the Mainland for their swag. We tried, that’s for sure, but nonetheless, we’ve got 8 candy bars looking for a home.
We had to knock on the window to get one group’s attention, they were marching right on by. It’s as if we were begging to be robbed. Good thing we did, ‘cause we’ve got 6 candy bars left.
Then there was the ape. Thank goodness for gorillas. We slipped him a couple. We’re glad we did, otherwise we’d have a whole lot more than 4 candy bars left.
A little after dark the neighbor girls came home. Doug hollered out the door and over they came, a-twitter with giggles, one in a delicious red wig. Gee they’re cute, and polite, too. Wish there’d been more of them, or we wouldn’t have 2 candy bars left.
Ah, well. The lights are off, the witchy banner re-furled, the statues back in the basement, all is quiet, too quiet. It was a disappointing Hallowe’en. Come visit, and bring some candy, if you can, we seem to be out ...Polly and Doug email firstname.lastname@example.org