Niagara Gazette — Dear Mainland Criminologists — Why is Rick Pfeiffer never around when you need him? The guy whose cubicle we shared during the Koop-Jasen-Rice era at Channel 4 now carefully chronicles criminals for the Gazette, notably those a few flakes short of Raisin Bran, but his crime wave is a mere ripple compared to ours. Some recent police calls, addresses omitted to protect the overly sensitive.
• Feb. 6 – A complainant stated it looked like there was a fire on the bicycle path behind his apartment. Deputies investigated and determined the orange glow to be from a flood light. Yeah, we’re so poor over here we can afford only an orange-light district.
• Feb. 15 – A complainant stated that a male subject was on a porch and yelling for unknown reason. Deputies located the subject, who stated he was yelling at a nearby barking dog.” Right. Nothing quiets a noisy dog like hollering at it.
• March 28 – A complainant stated that a bottle filled with a suspicious liquid was sitting on the side of the road. Deputies determined that the bottle was filled with a normal drinking fluid. And at what stage of digestion? And which rookie had to make this determination? Puts a different slant on “drew the short straw.”
• Feb. 3 - A complainant stated that a suspicious male subject was loitering on the premise of a restaurant and appears to have a hospital bracelet on. Deputies located the subject and it was determined that he was waiting for the bus. That’s the way we do it over here. Straight from Mighty Taco to Intensive Care.
• March 8 – A complainant stated that kids in the neighborhood were repeatedly putting a basketball net in the street. Horrors, serial hoopsters! It’s the end of civilization as we know it. Young folks outdoors, interacting and exercising? Can this be a gateway to, like, going to the playground?