Published: April 25, 2008 01:43 pm      

HAMILTON: Fear of crossing Nessman’s Line

Les Nessman would have loved living in Niagara Falls. In so many ways we are an outcropping of his personality and a reflection of both his character and the city that his series parodied

For those of you who are either too young or too old to remember Nessman, he was the fictional news director on the 1978-82 television situation comedy “WKRP in Cincinnati.” The radio station, being a rather small one, had a bullpen central office that was shared by the reporters, salespersons and personalities employed there, a room that Nessman also shared. Being news director, he believed that he should have his own office, so he placed masking tape on the floor where the walls should have been and marked an area where the door should have been to accommodate his fantasy. In order for anyone to enter his “office” they had to first knock on a “door” that wasn’t there.

How are Nessman and Niagara Falls similar? Here’s an example.

Take the situation at the Niagara Falls Memorial Medical Center right now, with the closing of the Bridges Mental Health Facility (and no, not because both Niagara Falls and Nessman could use a good dose of mental health, though both could). There are arguments that Bridges should stay in Niagara County for the good of both the children who use the facility and the convenience of the parents. The nearest place in the county that could facilitate such a facility is Mount St. Mary’s Hospital in nearby Lewiston, about 5 miles and 12 minutes away.

At one point, St. Mary’s and Memorial were supposed to merge, with plans of making St. Mary’s the primary acute care center and leaving Memorial with an emergency room and 12 acute care beds for patients awaiting stabilization and transfer to Lewiston. A remaining part of the buildings were to be converted into a skilled nursing facility for seniors. In 1998, when it was clear that plans would fall through, St. Mary’s went on to develop the Our Lady of Peace Skilled Nursing Facility on property adjacent to its Lewiston facility, a nursing home that looks more like a ski resort, with its gas fireplaces in its spacious lobbies and hallways, than it does a nursing home. Meanwhile, Memorial fell into major debt.

The remaining part of Memorial was to become, get this, a mental health facility. Those who acknowledged the need for such a service are now fighting to keep Bridges right where it is, as it should be.

However, those politicians and misguided populace who really needed a mental health examination, but refused to acknowledge it, protested vehemently until the merger deal was dead. They did not want to cross the Nessman “masking tape” line that separates Niagara Falls from Lewiston and felt that the privately-run, tax-, casino revenu-e and water bill-supported Memorial was their own private office. Memorial, which is in the city, is much like the Niagara Falls International Airport, which is neither in nor belong to the city whose name it bears. Each, from time to time, shares board members. Both the hospital and the airport have this public perception of personal propriety, as if we starched-spine citizens in the Falls own every thing that bears the name Niagara. The renaming of the Buffalo-Niagara International Airport really ruffled some feathers.

Ten years after the merger failure, St. Mary’s doesn’t want Bridges, but Memorial will surrender its services to another facility. The only county facility that is now near-willing to accept it is Lockport Memorial Hospital in Lockport. Memorial’s plan is to send children under the age of 12 to BryLin health facility in Buffalo. It has long practiced mental health and drug-related medicine. For children over 12, Memorial plans on referring them to Erie County Medical Center.

Again, protesters are insisting that the facility remain in Niagara County. But, if time and proximity are their issues, the fact is that LMH is about 40 minutes and 22 miles from Memorial while BryLin is 1 mile closer, and you can get there eight minutes sooner. Likewise, ECMC is 1 mile closer and 10 minutes quicker. But then again, we are bumping our heads against walls that are not even there when we have to cross that darned Nessman “masking tape” line that separates Erie from Niagara County.

The whole thing puts me in mind of a friend of mine named Rod Haslip. I commented to him about the attitudes in Niagara Falls. “Rod,” I said, “The problem with Niagara Falls is that people think that they need a passport to cross the Grand Island bridges.”

Rod instantly grabbed my elbow to steady himself, and he laughed hysterically at what he heard. I watched him a moment or two, confused by the intensity of his laughter, then interrupted him, asking him why he was laughing so hard.

Composing himself, with laughing tears still welling in his eyes, he said, “Kenny, you are not going to believe this, but just yesterday I was on my way over to Buffalo to pick up some cleaning supplies and I had a friend of mine with me. When I stopped to pay the toll, I gave the woman the 50 cents and my friend leaned forward and shouted to her, ‘Niagara Falls, New York.’ ”

“I asked him why he said that, and he said, ‘Because she is going to ask me where I was born’.”

Yes, Niagara Falls is a lot like both Nessman and Cincinnati. It is said by some that, “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati; because there, everything happens 10 years later.”

Ken Hamilton is a Niagara Falls resident. His columns run Fridays in the Gazette. He welcomes feedback at Ken Hamilton930@aol.com.