COLUMN: People at the movie theater

By Phil Dzikiy<br><a href="mailto:dzikiyp@gnnewspaper.com">E-mail Phil</a>

April 30, 2008 04:33 pm

— They’re quite the cast of characters. You go to the movies, and there they are. Maybe you’ll only find one or two. Maybe you’ll see, or hear, more.
I’m not talking about characters in any specific film. I’m talking about the people at the movie theater. They’re in the shadows, but they’re not always exactly lurking.
I think most people are like me. We go to see a movie, and we don’t want to be bothered. We want to concentrate on the film. That’s why we’re there.
But as you all know, not everyone is like this. There are talkers and distracters sitting among us in those dark theaters, and they range from the slightly annoying to the completely insufferable.
If I was casting a film about being in a movie theater, I would look to fill quite a few roles.
THE TALKER: The most basic character of all, the talker thinks it’s kosher to talk continually during the movie. May not always talk about what’s on screen. The talker is a stock character with many relatives, such as ...
THE SPOILER: The spoiler has seen the movie before, and you’ll know it. “Oh, this is the part where ...” A rare but disturbing creature.
THE VERBAL ABUSER: You didn’t ask for a personal narrator, but here it is. The verbal observer is much like the talker, but louder and completely focused on the film. Known to frequent horror and suspense films. “Don’t go in there! Don’t do it!”
Bonus: The verbal observer can sometimes make a bad movie entertaining.
THE COMPLAINER: Instead of saving thoughts for after the screening, the complainer lets everyone know just how bad the film is while it’s still going on. Will say things like, “That’s so stupid. How did he know that was going to happen? This movie is dumb.”
THE QUESTIONER: Pretty self-explanatory. “What’s going on? Who is that? Is she dead?” These people can’t figure anything out on their own.
THE SHUSHER: Sometimes an ally, the shusher will attempt to drown out any talker with a timely “shhhh!” On rare occasions, the shusher will get an usher to take care of problems. Not an ally when the shushing gets louder than the talking.
THE LOUD LAUGHER: There’s nothing wrong with laughing at funny moments, but there’s always someone who laughs way louder than everyone else, as if they’re trying to prove how much they get the joke. It was funny, but it wasn’t that funny.
THE LONG LAUGHER: Close cousin to the loud laugher, this character laughs longer than everyone else and often laughs when something isn’t funny at all.
THE COUGHER: Why do people cough so much in movie theaters? There’s usually one guy hacking up a storm, sitting in a theater when he should be in a doctor’s office.
THE BAD BABY-SITTER: This person brings children to movies not meant for young eyes. The children are usually talking or crying — they often don’t want to be there. If you’re watching young children, please don’t take them to see “Saw IV.”
THE SNUGGLER: There are open seats all around you. There may be open rows all around you. But the snuggler — a stranger — insists on sitting a few seats away from you. Lovely.
THE AISLE LOVER: Always sits on the aisle. Not always so bad, unless the aisle lover is blocking an entire side row. Oh aisle lover, why do you love the aisle so much? Bladder control issues?
THE JUMPER: Much like the verbal observer, the jumper tends to frequent horror and suspense films. This character is easily startled — hence, the name.
THE APPLAUDER: These people seem fine during the entire film, but then they decide to clap their hands at the end of the movie.
It’s not a play, people. They can’t hear you.
THE CELL PHONE ADDICT: Sometimes they forget to set their phones to vibrate. Sometimes they remember to do that, but then they’ll get calls and try to have quick conversations during the movie. Other times, they’ll simply send and receive text messages throughout the film.
THE SNEAKY SNACKER: Doesn’t talk, but you can hear this character, no matter how sneaky. You can hear it in the slow twist of a bottle cap releasing carbonation. You can hear it in a rustling bag and the guilty crunch of mashed jaws.
But I can understand you, sneaky snacker. I’ve even played your part. After all, have you seen those prices at the concession stand?
•••
Following in the footsteps of many other forward-thinking journalists, I’ve decided to start a blog.
In my case, the blog will focus solely on new music. And not just new music, but new rock music.
Write what you know, right? Well, I’m rather obsessed with the rock ‘n’ roll music, especially indie rock. Whatever Ican’t fit into this section every week, I’ll be adding to the blog.
I’ll be delivering reviews, news and any other musical thoughts that flow from my strange mind, as well.
The blog is called “Certain Songs,” and Ishould have it up and running by the time you read this. So, check out certainsongs.wordpress.com and join in on the discussion.
•••
Phil’s Top Five
Movie concessions
1. Buttered popcorn
You only live once, though maybe not for much longer considering the likely nutritional value of the “butter” in movie popcorn. I rarely have popcorn outside of movie theaters.
2. Pop
Do you plan on eating popcorn without a drink?
3. Candy
Everyone has their favorite. I’m a peanut butter-chocolate guy, but sour candy will do in a pinch.
4. Pretzels
A solid, overlooked option, especially with cheese available for dipping.
5. Slushie
Not that common, but always welcome.