Published: June 16, 2009 04:09 pm      

JUNK MAIL: Father's Day shopping made easy

Where Mother’s Day tends to be a day to stretch our imaginations to show how care for the moms in our lives, Father’s Day takes a decidedly less creative turn.

Going into my second Father’s Day today as a patriarch, I’m glad that so many sectors of society have decided what I like: food, golf, beer and tools.

Phew. I was wasting WAY too much time thinking for myself.

This edition of the Junk Mail column will feature product pitches targeted specifically toward dads. As always, a product’s being mentioned here does not mean I endorse it.

• The good folks at Certified Angus Beef sent along a series of steak grilling tips (which, strangely enough, are maximized only if you use their steaks). I wish someone sent me the memo, because I didn’t know that fathers like “professional diamond grill marks” and the “mouth-watering marbling” that Certified Angus Beef claims it provides.

“Whether you wield the spatula or let him reign as king of the grill, a steakhouse-quality meal at home is an easy, fun and affordable way to get together and celebrate your main man,” the company said.

If you don’t take their word for it, our friends at the Chicago-based beef supplier Stock Yards sent along the results of a survey that found that more than 90 percent of dads with a child younger than 18 at home would like a “top-quality USDA prime steak” today.

“Finding the perfect Father’s Day gift is always a challenge for many people,” said Tamra Zygmunt, vice president of marketing for Stock Yards. “But our research confirms that the choice is really quite simple — dads want a thick, juicy steak for Father’s Day.”

I thought I liked Chinese food and pizza best. But I guess I can’t argue with research.

• When it comes time to cook that steak, a new device will finally allow me to turn my meat and baste it at the same time.

The Grilly Goat (I didn’t create the name, but I wish I did) offers 16-inch-long “basting tongs” that feature a silicone basting brush head to insert into the tip of the tongs. The set also comes with a sauce pot that doubles as a cradle for the tongs.

“The Grilly Goat set reduces the hazards, number of tools needed and mess associated with cooking and basting meats and vegetables on grills,” the company’s release said. “As for the Grilly Goat sauce pot, any cup, bowl or pot can hold sauce, but the two-cup capacity Grilly Goat sauce pot also conveniently doubles as a cradle for the basting tongs. Its slot and tab design keeps the tongs in place over the pot to help keep areas around the grill clean. Additionally, the large, ergonomic handle of the pot minimizes fatigue while maximizing vessel stability to virtually eliminate spills.”

Lord knows how exhausting my grilling experiences used to be. Now that I no longer have to put down the tongs and pick up the basting brush, well, just TRY to keep me off of the grill.

I can’t help but feel, however, as though there’s one more piece needed to make this set complete. I’ll just take a quick peek at the company’s Web site ... and ... YES! There it is! The Grilly Goat hat and apron set, complete with the company logo (a goat wearing a chef’s hat and a bib). Now I can completely look like a moron.

• If you thought the “Chicken Soup” book series wasn’t manly enough for you, think again.

The latest addition to the inspirational series of books is “The Golf Book,” offering links tales from pro golfers, celebrities, sports writers and amateurs of all sorts.

“Across all ages, backgrounds, jobs and cultures, many husbands and fathers have one thing in common: their love of golf,” the company’s release said. “If there was ever a 15th club that everyone should have in their bag, this book is it.”

So I guess that means most people have 14 golf clubs? See, that’s the thing. I’ve never played a round of golf, nor will I in all likelihood. Except for the occasional trip to the driving range or mini-golf course, the game bores me.

And the insinuation that I like it because of my chromosomal construction is kinda silly, really. Would anyone say anymore that women like to cook and clean because they’re women? Of course not. That’s just absurd. So why is not equally absurd to lump men into this stereotype?

I must admit, though, that having my own golf cart would rock.

• That beer stereotype, on its surface, might not be quite as absurd: “Whether he is a beer connoisseur, master at home entertainer (that’s correct as they sent it) or just wants to be the envy of all his friends, BeerTender is an amazing way to show appreciation for dad on his important day.”

While this release from Heineken/Krups started off OK, it ended up flatter than a half-consumed cup of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The item being hawked is basically a big, expensive home tap designed to work only with Heineken kegs. The device features an LED display, volume indicator, temperature indicator and ease of use for the “I’m not one for reading directions” kind of father, the release said.

It looks nifty, I guess, but it’s kind of like all of those gossip magazine with Jon and Kate on the cover in the supermarket aisle: Once you get it home, you realize just how worthless the purchase was. You’re essentially buying a $200 machine to pour beer (only one kind of beer, mind you). Doesn’t a bottle opener do the same thing for, like, $2 (or free if you use your teeth)?

• And finally, what would Father’s Day be without tools?

For the wanna-be Bob Vilas, several companies rolled out their brightest, shiniest gadgets for dads to acquire and then stare at in the garage.

Woodcraft had a wide variety of tools. Among the highlights were the Gorilla Gripper, a professional quality grip meant to move plywood and drywall; a four-piece square set for use in marking out wooden joints; and the Kreg Jig K3 Master System, designed to make pocket hole joints (whatever those are).

Cableorganizer.com, meanwhile, counted among its wares the Autoloader multi-bit screwdriver, which allows the bits to be stored in the tool’s body.

Everyone should have a hammer and screwdriver at home, but is there really a need for most of the rest of the tools that are out there?

If a tool is labeled as being “professional quality,” I am apt to leave it for use by said professional. Most of those things are sharp and pointy, and my livelihood depends upon my having all 10 digits. If I can’t glue it, tape it or mash it together, I’m probably not going to fix it.

Contact Paul Laneat 693-1000, ext. 116,or paul.lane@tonawanda-news.com.