By Doug Smith
Niagara Gazette — Dear Mainland Clutterbugs — Doug just unearthed from the lasagna of papers on his desk a little clipping reminding us that our Rotary Club is throwing a shredding party next Saturday.
For two hours starting at 11 a.m., Rotarians will team up with the Cintas document destruction people to help us all get rid of those private papers just a little too sensitive to throw into the recycling bin. (Just ask a four-star general.)
The Destruct-a-thon unfolds on the northwest end of the Tops parking lot, where Whitehaven Road crosses Grand Island Boulevard.
Ten bucks a box, it costs, little enough for peace of mind, with the proceeds going toward our Miracle League Field for youngsters with mobility challenges, as well as the New Book Fund of the GJ Mann School in Niagara Falls. Cintas, a major supporter of the Niagara Power baseball team, does this sort of thing a lot.
It provides a happily anonymous ending for all those outdated tax returns, financial documents, credit card slips and reminders of medical appointments. Polly often wonders whether he’d even miss it if she had his entire room shredded.
Nonetheless, here are a few other candidates for the shredder:
• Ninety-nine per cent of the campaign mailings. Even the ones from the people we like.
• All the pitches from supplemental health insurers. We’re sick of them.
• The letter from E-Z Pass telling us that in order to improve our service, it was closing our walk-in office.
• All the mail we get that’s supposed to go to somebody on Winkler.
• The scoresheets from the Niagara Power’s last two playoff games.
• The election returns.
• Every column we’ve ever written insulting the roundabout. Actually, it works pretty well, and we go out of our way to admit we were wrong.
• All the lines Doug missed while acting in “Tuesdays with Morrie” the last two weekends.
• “Yield” signs. Nobody knows what they mean anyway.
• The tickets for whatever game they’re playing at McDonald’s. Just concentrate on getting our order straight and we’ll feel like we’re livin’ on Park Place.
• Any scorecard on which Doug actually counted all his strokes.
• The takeout menus for that Chinese restaurant that served us grey broccoli and shrugged it off. (Qualifier from Doug: Even when broccoli’s good, it’s bad.)
• The reminders we left ourselves that Island Presbyterian Church invited the whole community in for Thanksgiving dinner and that the VFW was serving turkey sandwiches. (Make sure we keep that cherry crumb pie, though).
• Sabres schedules.
• Any one day’s catalogues. Two days, and we’ve got to pony up another $10.
Feel free to amend this list. Just don’t include this column. Come visit. We’ll have a ripping good time.Polly and Douge-mail firstname.lastname@example.org